I Cried Today

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Over the past couple of months I have been feeling very, very, VERY down. You see, I turn 40 in a little over a month.

But that’s not why I cried today.

Turning 40 shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. I have never had a problem with growing older. Even as a child, I never had that “dread” that my life would be “over” when I hit 25, 30, 35, 40, 50, 60…well, to be honest, I had a problem when I turned 27. I just didn’t like the number, so I kept saying I was 28. But that should be proof. If I had a problem at 27 with growing older, why wouldn’t I have kept saying I was 26, instead of leaping forward a year? Anyway, for some reason, turning 40 is hitting me hard.

But that’s not why I cried today.

People have been asking me why 40 is bothering me so much. I haven’t had one answer… I’ve come up with many, but no one single thing. One, I feel old. My body feels like it’s breaking down on me. But when I’m honest within, I know that is because I carry too much weight, more than the actual age of my bones. Two, I don’t like the meanness of people who make fun of aging. I know I should have a good sense of humor, but “over the hill” cracks and the like… I just don’t find funny. I don’t know that I ever have. My kids once bought all “over the hill” and “you’re 50!” stuff for their dad for some odd-ball birthday – I think he turned 42 – and it royally pissed me off… and hurt… and started me dreading that they’d do the same for me. Three, I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything worth mentioning. I don’t feel I have made a mark that is worth being proud of. I don’t feel like I have treated myself as I should have for near-40 years now…yeah, this one hits most closely to the mark. This one really makes me feel bad about turning 40 in a few weeks. Yes, I’m really struggling with this.

But that’s not why I cried today.

You see… I receive these wonderful, uplifting emails in my inbox most every day. A lot of them make me think hard and long… a few of them don’t feel that they apply to me… and one, every once in a while, speaks to me so crystal clearly. It’s as if someone really was thinking of me when they wrote it.

The emails are part of The Brave Girls Club… and this one made me cry today:

Dear Just-Right Girl,

Every age has its gifts. Every decade brings new opportunities. Every season of your life has its purpose.

Try not to wish your years away…wishing you were younger or older…wishing the signs of aging would go away, or wishing you could get through this phase in your life in a flash.

The world needs more women who embrace their wrinkles, or who love their time at home when their children are small, or who know the power of their wisdom gained through being alive for many, many years, and who are absolutely comfortable in their skin. The world needs more women who sing through life’s winters, who dance even though their bodies jiggle, who count the laugh lines as decades of wonderful memories.

We are women. We are brave and we are beautiful and we are real. Let’s be happy exactly where we are…now and at every age. When we can adore each phase of our life, we give each other encouragement to do the same…wrinkles, cellulite, crying children, loads of laundry, bifocals and all.

You are absolutely gorgeous and your heart is even more stunning. Don’t ever forget it.

I’m going to try not to. I don’t want to forget it.

Disclaimer: This is not an advertisement for The Brave Girls Club…they haven’t paid me nor do they even know that I am posting on my blog about them. I don’t have any stake in it other than I am a girl and I honest-and-truly want to be brave. Eventually I’d like to participate in one of their Brave Girl Camps. I really like what they stand for.