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Today I am filled with disappointment. Disappointment in the life I am living, the choices I have made and now live with the repercussions and mostly, vast disappointment in so many of those I have let in and held close to my heart. I am disappointed in the choices those people have made and sad that the future, which is now, did not turn out to be what I had hoped. I am filled with shadows and it is hard to climb over them, or move around them or push through them to see anything that is shiny and wonderful. I am disappointed in myself for not Seeing the reality, having instead chosen to follow my heart. Following your heart is supposed to be a good thing. But my heart has been left battered and bruised. It is hard to know, now, when to follow my heart or when to capitulate to my logical brain, my embittered conscience that now guides me with doubt and sarcasm.
I am entering my middle life and hate looking back with wiser vision and seeing where I could have possibly changed my life had I only made a different choice. I realize that I would probably still make the same choices, and then where does that leave me? Right back here in the shadows.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not ungrateful for all of the good I have in my life. My life is not horrible by any means. I had just hoped for more ... or better... or just different... than where I am at now. Because of that disappointment, I have a hard time moving forward, because by moving forward, I need to accept all that has been. Accepting that is so very hard when I am so filled with unhappiness regarding how things have turned out.
I know that tomorrow will be a new day. A fresh start. I know that I will continue to move forward and fight the disappointment again. Today it was just overwhelming. But some very wise people have assured me that it's okay to feel stormy now and then.
Thank you for the butterflies.