It's time. I have been walking a journey in my own quiet way for over seven months now. I'm ready to start sharing some parts of it. For this piece, I had wanted to wait until I hit a certain personal goal before I shared, but after some months of set-backs, I thought perhaps I should post and perhaps that would bring me some more... I don't know... accountability? Support? Both? Something else?
Back in June of last year, I wrote a pretty obscure post entitled Just One Thing.
I hired a personal fitness trainer and nutritionist (same person).
Back in June I thought that perhaps one or two "packages" (a packages is 10 one-hour sessions) would get me on the right path. Since June, I have never stopped going. The Trainer is my new (well-paid) babysitter. My new "best friend". In fact, when I started talking about her, The Girl said to me, "Who's she?" I said, "my new friend." The Girl said, "How come I haven't met her?" I replied, tongue in cheek (sort-of), "Because I don't pay her enough to come over here."
Okay, honesty time... I'm feeling extremely vulnerable in sharing this with you. Why? Because losing weight... the massive amount of weight I have to lose... is daunting, long-term and, well, because I have failed so, so many times before. In fact, I'm in a place Right Now that has some lying voice in my head screaming FAILURE!
So, I'm here to try and quiet that voice. Get rid of it completely I hope. Because that little voice has had big power over me. That little voice keeps me wallowing, stuck. That little voice causes me to give up so very often.
This time, I'm not ready to let it win.
I lost almost 25 pounds before The Hubs got sick. I was two measly pounds away from that first "milestone". It is an important milestone to me because I've never been able to break that mark in all of my journeys. But life threw me that curveball with The Hubs' illness, and then a scrapbooking food fest retreat, and then the holidays. As some curveballs do, I ended up striking out. At first, for a few days. Then for a few weeks. That few weeks has turned into a few months. I have gained six pounds back.
While dejected and feeling insecure and full of doubt, I have to still focus on the inches I have lost. 16 inches and counting. No gain-backs... although there have been some "stay the same" times. I have improved in my fitness assessments steadily and I have noticed so many differences in my daily life. But I'm having such a hard time getting re-focused. That little voice is taunting me. I'm tired, I'm whiny and I'm coming up with too many excuses.
But I know I'm still on the right path for me. Because of that, I will do this anyway. I will not give up. I will work hard to afford The Trainer, and I will work hard when I'm at her house. I must break this glass barrier... and the next one, and the next. With her help (and now yours too) no matter how many times I fall down, I will get right back up and continue on...