February 7, 2011

Fall Down 9 Times, Get Up 10...


It's time.  I have been walking a journey in my own quiet way for over seven months now.  I'm ready to start sharing some parts of it.  For this piece, I had wanted to wait until I hit a certain personal goal before I shared, but after some months of set-backs, I thought perhaps I should post and perhaps that would bring me some more... I don't know... accountability?  Support?  Both?  Something else?

Back in June of last year, I wrote a pretty obscure post entitled Just One ThingSometimes All of the time... just doing one thing to move you forward in life can be the biggest ripple-effect in your world.  Back in June, I made a decision to help myself move forward in an area where I have been wallowing in for decades.  Literally, decades.

I hired a personal fitness trainer and nutritionist (same person).

Back in June I thought that perhaps one or two "packages" (a packages is 10 one-hour sessions) would get me on the right path.  Since June, I have never stopped going.  The Trainer is my new (well-paid) babysitter.  My  new "best friend".  In fact, when I started talking about her, The Girl said to me, "Who's she?"  I said, "my new friend."  The Girl said, "How come I haven't met her?"  I replied, tongue in cheek (sort-of), "Because I don't pay her enough to come over here."

Okay, honesty time... I'm feeling extremely vulnerable in sharing this with you.  Why?  Because losing weight... the massive amount of weight I have to lose... is daunting, long-term and, well, because I have failed so, so many times before.  In fact, I'm in a place Right Now that has some lying voice in my head screaming FAILURE!

So, I'm here to try and quiet that voice.  Get rid of it completely I hope.  Because that little voice has had big power over me.  That little voice keeps me wallowing, stuck.  That little voice causes me to give up so very often.

This time, I'm not ready to let it win. 

I lost almost 25 pounds before The Hubs got sick.  I was two measly pounds away from that first "milestone".  It is an important milestone to me because I've never been able to break that mark in all of my journeys.  But life threw me that curveball with The Hubs' illness, and then a scrapbooking food fest retreat, and then the holidays.  As some curveballs do, I ended up striking out.  At first, for a few days.  Then for a few weeks.  That few weeks has turned into a few months.  I have gained six pounds back.

While dejected and feeling insecure and full of doubt, I have to still focus on the inches I have lost.  16 inches and counting.  No gain-backs... although there have been some "stay the same" times.  I have improved in my fitness assessments steadily and I have noticed so many differences in my daily life.  But I'm having such a hard time getting re-focused.  That little voice is taunting me.  I'm tired, I'm whiny and I'm coming up with too many excuses. 

But I know I'm still on the right path for me.  Because of that, I will do this anyway.  I will not give up.  I will work hard to afford The Trainer, and I will work hard when I'm at her house.   I must break this glass barrier... and the next one, and the next.  With her help (and now yours too) no matter how many times I fall down, I will get right back up and continue on...


  1. You will do this! I am here to support you in any way I can. Hugs!

  2. I am sure you will do it. I've found that concentrating on the inch loss is much better than on the pound loss. When I was successfully losing weight I only lost half a pound a week but some weeks I could lose a total of 2 inches from my body. Watch the tape measure not the scales.

  3. Oh Kai - I am SO glad you finally decided to share! I think you will find establishing a regular time to post updates here and have all of us cheering you from the sidelines will really help! I always feel motivated to post a positive review on my blog - I don't want to let my readers down with setbacks, although I readily admit when they happen. It WILL help and you WILL do this! Hang in there! The fact that despite two full months of setbacks you are still trying speaks volumes.

  4. I am SOOOO PROUD of you..."you" are my "favorite" .. xoxox

  5. Thank you for posting this, Kai. I, too, am struggling with the falling down...Congratulations on what you've already accomplished and I'm wishing you good luck with your getting back up again!!!

  6. You can do it you can do it you can do it!!!!!! I totally believe in you. And me.

  7. Hi Kai,
    I read your blog and think we were seperated at birth! I too have done the same battle for decades, and a similar journey last year, and also lost heart in December. The important thing to focus on is the distance you have come, which is an amazing achievement and one to be proud of.
    Turn the "splurge" into a positive, giving you another incentive. You are so much further down the road on your journey than you were last year.
    You can do it girl!! I'm rooting for you, you've inspired me to get back on with it too....sorry for rambling, this ran away with me a little!

  8. You can do it Kai!!! Keep getting up...it is the journey...and yes, count the inches not the pounds. xo

  9. You go, girl! Just keep going. And remember, muscle weighs more than fat, so keep track of those inches, not the pounds!


I love hearing what you have to say. Thank you for sharing yourself with me!


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